i was born a porn star she said
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
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