I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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