I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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