And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
