I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
