I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
