My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just found puke in my bra..
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
A bitchslap is in order.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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