Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
