Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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