Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
