I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
