At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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