how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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