News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Ketchup is God's man juice
How's work?
Spinning.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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