so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
