Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
