I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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