My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
