so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
