I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
