Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
