I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
