She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
