It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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