Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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