im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So here I am, sexting at work.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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