Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
