Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
