you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
