ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
