I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
