I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
