I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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