He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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