I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
