i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
