I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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