So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
