I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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