I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
