I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
