I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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