I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
