then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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