R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
