When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i think i just lost a toe
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
