I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
