haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
