I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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