She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
