i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
